How to teach a child to experience parting with mom: going to work
Many mothers try to time out of maternity leave to work by the beginning of autumn in order to spend the summer with the child. Why do children cry when parting with mom? How to prepare a child for the daily partings? Why is going to work up to a year not a good idea at full employment? Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya’s councils will help mothers to go to work more self-confident and children to cry less.
In the end, any child grows up and separated from their parents forever. And the meaning of education is that a helpless baby once was able to become the master of his life and go without parental care, control and presence. To do this, we are given such a long childhood - so that the child has time to gradually and without much strain go from complete dependence on an adult to autonomy.
How a child learns to part with his mother
From the very first months we begin to train the child for separation. Remember the game of "cuckoo"? Mom hides behind a diaper, and then looks out. The kid freezes, puzzled, and then - delight, many people, laughter. Small vaccination of separation, to develop immunity.
And still mom sometimes leaves the room. Or even from home. Take a shower. Asleep Something busy. If the child is happy with everything and plays, he may not protest. If he feels unwell, or if his mom doesn’t have something too long, or she just came in and goes away again, he may cry, cling to her. She will hold on her hands, kiss, tickle - he is again ready to play himself. The practice of experiencing separation continues.
The situation is repeated time after time, hundreds, thousands of times, and gradually the child realizes that if the mother is gone, you just have to wait and she will return. It always has been. If nothing extra happens, such as a long hospitalization of the mother, early placement of the child in the nursery, for a full day or for five days, leaving with an indifferent or unkind nurse, the child and mother have the opportunity to gradually increase their ability to separate and reunite.
After seven years, the ability to do for a while without the presence of a parent noticeably grows up, and in adolescence children sometimes are not averse to “ancestors dumping”.
Separation from mother is normal. Watch the child’s reaction
In principle, separation from "their" adults does not please any child, but most children are able to cope with this without consequences. Someone adapts to separation easier, someone is very hard. The task of the parents is to, watching the child, see if the strength of separation is there.
If a child, even if protesting at parting, is generally active and alert, and after separation, having hung a little on his mother or having poured on her, he relaxes and cheers again, this is one thing. And if it is clear that he is completely unhappy, that in separation he does not play and is not interested in anything, and after his return, his mother is not able to detach from her or turns away and looks at all with the missing appearance, it means that he needs to “unscrew back”. Perhaps he will be ready in a couple of months or six months.
An adult who feels hostage to a child, an unhappy victim brought to the altar of parenthood, will not be able to build a good affection. After all, affection is the relationship of an adult as the dominant caring individual and the child, as an individual dependent and trusting. An adult should be strong and free, should be the master of himself and his life, only then the child will be calm with him.
Therefore, let us not set ourselves the task, sacrificing ourselves, to completely rid the child of the flip side of attachment — experiences when separated from his adult. It is better to try to figure out how to help him soften the separation, survive the separation without serious consequences.
How to teach a child to let mom go to work
Sometimes it seems that the simplest thing is to slip away slowly when the child is sleeping or distracted. To have less tears at parting.
But for a child, it only increases stress: he woke up or turned around - but mom does not. She disappeared unknown where and it is unknown whether she will return at all. We all know that we went to work and will definitely return in the evening, that even at work we remember the child and love him. He does not know this from anywhere. For him, mom is gone.
He becomes anxious, on his return hangs on his mother, cries, clings, as if afraid that she will disappear again. It can throw a tantrum, it can fall asleep badly, because sleep is also a separation, but you wake up - there is no mother.
Usually the most difficult part of parents with children aged about one and a half years to three. At this time the following behavior is actively working for them, the instinct requires them to be near the parent. Therefore, it is not necessary to get angry at the child - when he clings to you and cries, these are not whims, he just does what nature tells him. It will be a little older - it will be easier. Now your task is to make the situation for him as predictable as possible, and therefore portable.
Get a goodbye ritual. Who kisses whom how many times, how he waves his hand, what says goodbye. Maybe the child, together with the nanny or grandmother, looks out the window as the mother goes to the bus. Maybe you say something affectionate in his ear. It is important that the ritual is permanent.
You need to start practicing it before you start going to work: play on toys, draw pictures, just “rehearse”, leaving for a couple of minutes, even to another room. Pay attention to the child that the mother always returns and everyone is very happy to meet.
Before parting, be sure to speak to the child what will happen: “Grandma will come to us now. We will have tea together, then I will go to work, and you will play and walk. You will have dinner, you will sleep, then you will play a little more, and then I will return. We will have dinner and read books ".
Draw this order on the pictures, tell "one by one" what will be behind it. When the child becomes older, you can show him on the clock: what time it will be.
Leave the child something out of their clothes.to smell you. For example, part of the ritual of farewell may be that you wrap it in your robe. Or during the day he is allowed to sleep on your pillow.
Before going to work, try to start for a child "soothing" toy. Put the child to sleep with her, talk to her, talk as you like her - she should be associated with you. Leaving, say goodbye and with a toy too. Ask her to play with the baby so that he will not be bored until you are gone.
Some children by this age already choose for themselves the “comforter”, it can be a blanket or a piece of cloth. So let it be what he chose.
Do not try to combine in time your exit to work and some changes in the baby's life - refusal from the nipples, potty training. One stress in two or three months, not more.
If you know that your child is very upset when you leave, lay more time to say goodbye, let him cry better in your arms and pass the peak of disappointment when you are still there. The main thing is to keep confidence and positive attitude yourself - if the wine and despair are written on your face, the baby is unlikely to calm down.
When parting necessarily explain what will happen when you returnwhat pleasant things you do. Try to speak in more detail: we will read such and such a book, we will go to the kitchen and eat macaroni and cheese, we will fill the bath, and you will bathe with your steamer, etc.
Mom's return home: why the child behaves this way
When you return home, a small child does not necessarily rush to you with a joyful cry. He can turn away, run away, cry. It cost him tremendous efforts to survive the separation, and now, when you are finally here, the forces left him, he gave vent to feelings: anxiety, resentment, anger. Do not be angry and do not be offended at it, do not try to ignore these manifestations, they say, pokazriznichaet and calm down, if not pay attention.
Didn't you have to cry after a nervous tension subsides — for example, after a quarrel with a husband, or after some alarming situation resolved. Would you really like to be ignored in this state? It is not necessary to educate him, better hug, hug him, tell me how happy you are to be together again, how bored you are.
Of course, it will work on the condition that you enjoy the pleasure of feeding, that it does not deplete you and does not cause pain. If pleasure is not enough, "sacrifice yourself" to anything.
Farewell to a child from 4-5 years old: magic, details and signs of love
An older child, a preschool child, is already less dependent on instincts, and as a rule “it is possible to agree” with him. But at the same time, he is more stable in his experiences, he is not so easily distracted, and he can be deep and long in separation. He is already aware of how dear you are to him, and it is important for him to be loved by you.
Therefore, the main thing that needs to be conveyed to a child of this age is that when you leave home you do not “disappear” to nowhere, you remain the same mom, you still love him and think about him. Your ally here is a preschooler’s figurative and even slightly magical thinking, his readiness for play and a fairy tale.
Tell him about your work.. Not so much about the professional part of it (it will be interesting later, about 10 years), but about the household one. How do you go, what you see on the road, where you sit, where and why you dine. All these details fill the “far kingdom” for children with the name “work” with a peaceful, understandable life, reducing its anxiety.
Tell the child about how do you love him and miss him. Write in the afternoon sms. Draw pictures: here you are, here is the mother at work, here are the hearts flying - this is what I think of you. Bring small gifts from work, notebooks and the like. So the child understands that you remember him and think about how to please him, even when not at home.
If there is no such tradition in your organization, start it. Or at least just once or twice bring your child to work.
The ritual of parting with a preschooler child can become more "magical" and playful. You can put kisses in his pockets, you can hide it somewhere beforehand, where you can find a note with warm words or pictures and candy. You can give him your picture in a special frame or medallion.
After six to seven years, children usually tolerate separation more easily. Most of the thoughts are already directed to the outside world and the student is unlikely to be seriously upset because the parent has gone to work.
But even now there may be circumstances that “bring back” the child back in age: too long a separation, for example, a business trip longer than two or three days, or poor health, a difficult period in life. In such cases, it is not a sin to go back and in the ways that you helped the child survive the separation before. Let it be a bit of a joke - after all, he is no longer small, but even almost completely grown up (and completely grown up) it is pleasant to feel that his pockets are full of "kisses", or to find a note with affectionate words and candy.