Four phrases that scare children and affect their future.
Many have heard that parents are able to program children - their behavior now and in the future - with their own phrases. Usually these warnings or morals are pulled out from adults unconsciously - probably, they themselves once said something similar. About why you need to watch your speech and how to do it, now written a whole book - "Do not program the child." Here are the most common phrases with which we are trying to protect a child from danger, but in reality ...
“If you behave badly, I will call a black man (a policeman, Baba Yaga - there are different traditions), and he will take you away!” Here is one of the classic educational tools used by adults when they do not know what to hope for and how to make the child hear them.
Perhaps these words will make the child listen. Perhaps he will be frightened and will do as he is told, or maybe he will quickly realize that this is not true and will no longer pay attention to what adults are saying.
But do we know for sure that such words do not imprint on children? Do we know for sure that they do not create fears and insecurities from which we suffer in adulthood?
When the child grows up, these fears will grow into:
- "and if they don't hire me,"
- "and if something bad happens to me,"
- "and if I do not find myself,"
- "and if I die,"
- "and if I fall,"
- "and if I get hurt,"
- "and if something breaks."
Then he will give up his desires and prefer to stay in his native nest, where you can feel safe - without really gaining life experience.
These words give rise to doubts and uncertainties in their abilities in a child, they kill faith in life and courage in him.
"Do not go there - there is a gray wolf!"
What to say instead: "Honey, come here!" If the child does not run towards you, stand up and quickly head towards it.
Showwhat exactly is the danger.
If you simply do not want to follow the child, or you need him to be in sight, no wolves are needed, just play or talk to him: let him have a worthy reason to stay with you
"You will behave this way - I will call a black man, and he will take you away!"
This is chantage. And blackmail should be avoided. There are many safe ways to make a child follow the rules instead of manipulating and intimidating him.
Moreover, these words are not true: you can hardly call a man in a black suit as a robber to kidnap your child. Thus, your child (who always feels and knows the truth) receives a signal that you are deceiving him and behaving dishonestly. This may seem nonsense, but we assure you: because of such words, children respect us less and trust us — which is why they start thinking that they have every right not to listen to us or not to trust our advice.
"Do not go there, there are terrible monsters!"
What to say instead: "Darling, it’s better not to go there. Now I’ll tell you why." Explicitly explain to the child why it is better not to walk alone on one street or another, why not play behind the house, why not go far away from adults when you pick mushrooms or walk in the woods.
"Oh, oh, oh! How dark! How scary!"
Who is really afraid of the dark - you or the child? Fear of the dark not typical for children who have not had a traumatic experience. If there was such an experience, and the child is afraid of the dark - do not remind him of this fear, but work on solving the problem. If the child is not afraid of the dark, do not make him doubt his feelings ("It turns out that you should be afraid of the dark?").
If, as it often happens, you are afraid of the darkness yourself and think that the child should be afraid of it, turn on the light and try to overcome your fear.