Parenting: 3 obsolete methods that are still in use
Habitating children to discipline is a parental duty, but many of us in the process of education use methods that will not bring to the good, says psychologist Nevena Lovrinchevich. We understand why it is dangerous for the development of the child, if the parents raise a hand to it, make fun of - or ignore for a long time.
Many of us grew up in those times when everyone sincerely believed in the principle of “beats mean loves”, when expressing their feelings was considered superfluous, when it seemed normal for parents to put a child in a corner for an hour or two ... And what, something wrong?
Maybe we are really all right, maybe we grew up as good people, but ... tell yourself, honestly: could we not be even better if we were not sent to the corner and awarded us with clicks?
What about other parenting methods? Did you feed your four-month-old baby with boiled peas or swaddle him so well that he could not move his leg? I doubt very much. Although your mothers and grandmothers, most likely, did just that.
And today, armed with the results of scientific research and many years of practice, we have come to the best solutions regarding the physical health of our children. So why should we shield ourselves from knowledge that will help their emotional and social development, which are no less important?
Let's go back to the old "good" methods of raising children and see why today they will not bring to the good.
Until very recently, cuffs were quite popular method of punishment and education. Fortunately, the times are changing, and little by little (although we could have done it faster!) We come to the realization that not everyone who beats really loves.
Pros. At first glance, a truly effective method. In fact, the result is short-lived and acts only under your supervision; over time, to maintain the effect, it is necessary to gradually increase the intensity of exposure.
Minuses. A child who is beaten by his parents gets a lesson: to solve problems with the help of fists is normal. As a result, the child comes to one of two styles of behavior. First option - he behaves as an aggressor, hands out cuffs to the left and to the right, when he pleases, or rather, when he knows for sure that he is stronger; beats children in kindergarten and in school, and later - his soul mate, his own children, in the end, you ... and anyone who gets his arm. Of course, there is a great chance that with such behavior it will be difficult for the child to fit into the team (at school, at work, in the family), and there may be problems with the law. Other behavior model is this: the child assumes the role of the victim and patiently demolishes when other children beat and / or humiliate him, and later colleagues, "friends", boss, the other half ...
Conclusion. This is an aggressive and not very effective method. And if frankly, it is quite primitive, because it indicates a poorly developed ability to communicate and social skills of the person who uses this method.
Of course, there is a huge difference - when a child is slapped once or twice on the pope or when he is regularly battered. The number of blows received is directly proportional to the harm they cause: more beatings - more problems with emotional development, more chances of psychological problems and deviations in the child's behavior.
And yet, remember that any physical violence, whatever consequences it may have, gives one clear signal: it is normal to beat another person. And this signal is abnormal!
Make fun and humiliate
When we say something to the child: “Oh, well, and you face when you cry! Everybody will laugh at you! ”Or:“ You are already such a big girl, and you are still writing! ”- it seems that we do not set ourselves the goal of humiliating him. But that is exactly what we are doing.
Pros. It may have an effect - the child really for some time stops doing what he was indicated.
Minuses. Although by ridiculing we can achieve short-term improvement (a child who has been ridiculed will try hard to do what is demanded of him), but in the long run - and this is much more important - we will make the child only worse.
Conclusion. The method is ineffective, does much more harm than good, if we consider it from the point of view of a long-term perspective. Be careful if you are going to tell your baby something like, “Oh, you're a nurse, all you do is cling to my mother's skirt, you disgrace me with your whimpering ...” It’s better to avoid such comments.
In addition, try to protect your child if someone from the side throws similar remarks to him (whether it be uncles, aunts, neighbors, or just people on the street). Even if a person has good intentions, it does not mean at all that he has to speak out loud everything that comes to his head. The child will be grateful to you and gradually he will learn how to take care of himself. And this most important art is always useful to him in life.
Although ignoring the inappropriate behavior of a child can be an effective educational method, it should not be delayed for more than a few minutes. Often, parents, especially those who do not use physical violence, can spend hours, days (and some even weeks!) Ignoring their offending child, not talking to him and acting as if he does not exist at all.
Pros. Such methods can be effective - the child will no longer behave in an inappropriate way.
Minuses. At first glance, the methods do not seem aggressive, but according to the degree of harm they cause to the emotional development of the child, they turn out to be more than aggressive. To put it bluntly, it would be even easier for the child if his parent spanked him, shouted at him properly, and the punishment would end there than to feel invisible when the parent does not notice him.
Emotional coldness, distancing, ignoring and silence, which go on for hours, represent one of the most aggressive forms of punishment, because they carry the message: “You do not exist for me. You mean nothing to me. ”
It doesn’t matter if the parent didn’t put such a meaning into his actions at all. We know that the parent is the most important person for any child and that the child learns to perceive himself, based mainly on how his parents relate to him. So, the signal “you do not exist for me” inevitably leads to the destruction of his self-confidence and despair.
Conclusion. Although distancing brings a short-term effect - the child really behaves better - the long-term prospects here are bleak.
Parents who resort to this type of punishment cause great harm to the emotional development of the child: he has all the prerequisites for the future depressive disorder, low self-esteem, difficulties in socialization and the inability to find a place in life.
Breaking your relationship with your child, his mistrust in response to your coldness and blackmail with all the aggravating consequences will not keep you waiting.