Head for grandmothers, or "She does everything wrong"
She raised a daughter and son, gave them everything that a loving mother can give. I didn’t go to work for a long time, the husband said: "Stay with the children." Wonderful family! And now the granddaughter is growing up - such a wonderful girl! But is it possible to do this with a child? "We didn’t bring it up like this! We fed on hours! What do they have for such new methods?"
It so happened that the young mother had to live with her parents, and even one without her husband, with a newborn daughter in her arms. But it seems that her parents are not very upset. "I freed my daughter from everything: I cook, I clean, I take a walk with the child. She can do her own thing. She wants to, she can go to work." An ideal grandmother, is not it? Only her daughter is in a panic: “Mom gives me nothing to do! I want to raise the child as I see fit. I go to special classes where they tell me what to do with the baby. I read a lot of books. she grew up healthy, actively developed. And according to mom, I do everything wrong. "
The question arises: what does "not so" mean? "I have the experience of raising two children, I know how it should be," - says my grandmother. And it is accepted to tell that, in her opinion, the young mother makes inadmissible in relation to the child.
The dispute between two women of different generations can go on indefinitely. There are many scientific works on the upbringing of children, even more different traditions, "popular" councils. Which is the most correct path? What is good for one is unacceptable for another. Golden mean no. At one extreme, a grandmother, convinced of her own right based on her experience, on the other - a young mother who chose what she thought was most suitable for her newborn daughter.
Of course, it is not difficult to crush the opinion of a young inexperienced mother, and besides, also her own daughter, with authority. But let's see why this is necessary.
The grandmother answers this question: "I worry about the child - I feel sorry for her! She is not guilty of anything!" - rather superficial arguments. After all, it is not clear why the child is sorry? The girl is well-groomed, washed, fed, for the year of her life she was practically not ill.
Something is wrong here. Grandma wants to take on the role of not even a grandmother at all. Constantly suggesting to the daughter the thought of her being bankrupt as a mother, the grandmother tries to live her daughter’s motherly life for her.
Yes, and it happens. Mostly this happens in families where a grandmother has a lot of free time, which she doesn’t fill: she doesn’t work, she doesn’t have a hobby, she is not interested in anything, not even herself - she is bored. Even if there is a grandfather in such a family, he is also usually quite inactive. Their marital relationships have long ceased to exist (this is not just about sex). You have to admit that when you have a lot of interesting activities, you are happy at work, you have something to do with your spouse, the most that is enough for you is to sit a couple of hours a week with your granddaughter when your daughter goes for a manicure. You are already engaged - now is the time for your daughter.
This is important to know!
- I do not want to say that children do not need help, but I am deeply convinced that the responsibility for children lies only with their parents. And if your daughter decided to give birth to a child, then, probably, she is already ready to take this responsibility upon herself.
- It’s a pity if you didn’t teach her that, and your children “accidentally” brought their children while remaining psychologically adolescents themselves. Then they will have to urgently grow up. There is no time to be infantile now, unless, of course, you start to indulge in it endlessly and take on the upbringing of another child - a grandson.
- If you so want to take care of someone - get a dog, a cat, but do not stop your children from raising their children. It is impossible for all to live their fate.
- If your daughter needs your advice, she will ask you. And if not - do not be offended. This is her choice, her mistakes, mistakes and victories. This is not to avoid a new mother. And now your business is to indulge, nurse, read fairy tales for the night and cook oven delicious cakes.
So, if your children, who themselves have already become parents, had to live with you, this does not at all mean that you must actively engage in the upbringing of their child. Even if your experience, strength and desire allow it.
Summary. Why it happens? It is not a secret to anyone that grandmothers, who are not interested in their own life, who do not know what to occupy, are developing. Or they like to feel dependent on their children - it is always beneficial.
Forecast. Options at least two. In the first case, young parents will find this state of affairs very convenient and will hand over the upbringing and care of the baby to the grandmother. But the grandmother would either be happy if she had long dreamed of becoming a “mother” to the baby, or quite the opposite, if she wanted only to teach the children and increase her importance.
In another case, parents who nevertheless decide to engage in raising a child on their own will have to establish boundaries of influence with their grandmother. Of course, this often leads to conflicts, and sometimes quarrels are quite serious and lengthy.
What to do?
It is important to remember that the experience that we received suffered, yet it is quite subjective. What suits one, does not necessarily fit the other. If, before the birth of a grandson, a young couple and their parents had a good relationship, then, most likely, the advice, opinions, recommendations of the newly made grandmother will not cause protest and resistance if they are unobtrusive and correct. But if young parents want to listen to other sources, they have the right to do so. Do nothing, it is their child and they will receive their experience.
The children have grown up, you have so much time for your own business, hobbies. It's time to take care of yourself!