Time to climb "on the handle": why is it important in 2 years and after
Probably, no one from modern parents is afraid to “accustom to hands” a child up to one year old: it has become common practice to respond to the needs of an infant. But now the child has learned to walk and even talk a little - maybe now he no longer needs it “on the handles”, into the arms of an adult? It is necessary, says psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Firstly, for the successful knowledge of the world. Secondly, to master the behavior of containment, without which there is a risk of not being fully developed by man.
Compare year-old and three-year. The first is a helpless kid. It is unsteady, speaks with a few words. He himself can not take care of almost anything. Without an adult will disappear immediately.
It takes only two years. Before us is a little man. He can move freely in space: walk, run, jump, climb, crawl, squeeze, there is practically no place where he could not get if he wanted. He speaks, builds phrases, can clearly explain what he wants.
Serves itself: he eats, dresses, uses the toilet. He manipulates objects, uses a pencil, brush, scissors, rides a bicycle and a swing, builds from sand and from cubes. He realizes his needs, has desires and plans, shows persistence in achieving goals.
In principle, if it were not for the man-made hazards of a big city, a three-year-old could well have been spending a whole day without needing adult help. He eats himself, drinks himself, takes himself, and if it comes to what he needs, he will come and ask.
The jump in development is fantastic - and in just two years. As intensively as we study during this period, we can never do it again. And the knowledge and skills that are equally important for the quality of life, we also never get.
Now imagine that we will have to forget all school education - we will unlearn, read, write, read. The quality of life, of course, will earn, much will become difficult or impossible. But on the other hand, the whole countries live with an illiterate population in the majority, and nothing. And our ancestors lived. Worked, loved, raised children — on the whole, they were quite successful and happy. If, say, a pension is paid, then you can live.
But if we imagine that we have forgotten everything that we have learned from one to three years: eat yourself, move around, go to the toilet, dress, talk, use tools and objects? This is a real disaster. This happens after severe strokes, after accidents with head injuries, it is really terrible, it’s already hard to talk about the quality of life. A person in this state loses independence completely.
That is, in fact, the most basic things that determine our quality of life by 90% are mastered from year to three. Three universities later - this is such an easy drawing, hatching on a basic, basic body of knowledge and skills.
Therefore, all this time, the child selflessly learns, all the time trying something, learning, improving, showing the wonders of perseverance and dedication. All the time, while not sleeping and eating.
Here he collects a pyramid, and he does not work. That wheel will roll, then the rod does not fall into the hole. Ten times does not work, a hundred times. If an adult man had failed so many times, he would have quit a long time ago, decided that it was not for him, that he had no abilities, and that it was not destiny. And the baby - no, he tries again and again, not disappointed, does not quit. Just some kind of Terminator in training, which is impossible to knock off the goal.
The question arises: how does he manage this? Due to what? Where he takes strength, not physical, this is understandable, but mental strength: not to surrender where an adult would have given up his hand long ago?
And this is the right moment to deal with another crucial purpose of attachment.
Where to get the strength to master the world? What is psychological womb
In the 70s, Czech psychologists under the leadership of Z. Matejczyk investigated attachment. Including they made films in which they showed visually how affection manifests itself. In the film, one after another episodes from the life of young children are mounted: children living in a family, with parents, and children from a child’s home.
Here we see a boy, seemingly a little more than a year. He is at home and explores the room while mom is cooking something in the kitchen.
At some point, the baby gets to the cabinet with a slamming door, opens it, closes it - and hits it on his fingers. It hurts him, he is scared. But it is clear that in his head there is a clear action strategy for such a case: he cries loudly and goes directly to the kitchen - there is a mother.
Mom heard the roar and hurries to meet him, they meet, she takes him in her arms, kisses, after a while he is comforted. Mom puts him on the floor.
Guess what he does? Immediately goes to the same bollard to find out: what was it? He accepted the challenge of the world and is not going to give up.
Following show baby about the same age, but in the orphanage. There was a trouble with him too: the children ran past, the car was pulled out of their hands. He lost his balance, flopped on the ass and cries.
At the same time, it is clear that he has no action strategy. Near the teacher go - he does not appeal to them. Not trying to regain the typewriter. He does not do anything, he just suffers, his activity in mastering the world is stopped for a long time.
What do we see? When the child’s efforts come up against an obstacle that turns out to be too difficult and painful for him, so much so that even his patience is not enough, he goes to his mother. If it didn’t work, if everything collapsed, if he hit or was frightened, he always has the opportunity to appeal for comfort to his adult, who at this moment has access - mom, dad, grandmother, nanny, someone else.
He snuggles, climbs up in his arms, that is, he actually returns to the stage of wearing. It is as if she becomes small again for a while, climbs like a cocoon into the arms of a parent, into his love.
Psychologists use the term psychological womb - This is a soothing, comforting relationship in which you can hide from the hardships of life.
Hugs are generally a universal human way to solve difficult problems. People are social beings, our ancestors lived in a rather dangerous and hostile world in which you could only hope for fellow tribesmen, and relax, stop scanning the space in search of potential danger only in your circle, feeling their touch, hearing their breath.
The ability of one person to be a psychological maw for another, to give him comfort and comfort, “accepting” his feelings, is called containment capacity - from the word "container".
What does a container hold? Those same feelings that a person cannot cope with himself. Pain, fear, resentment, disappointment - all that we experience in a situation of severe stress.
Overcome - or humble yourself and be comforted
Let's take a closer look at this mechanism. There are situations in life when something goes wrong. We do not get something, we lose something important, our need is not satisfied, or we are afraid that this will happen in the future.
The simplest case: the child saw on the shelf something beautiful and brilliant, he wants to get it. And does not reach. Too high. On the face obstacle in meeting the need - frustration. I really want - and I can not take it.
The first reaction to frustration is to mobilize and overcome the barrier that stands in the way. The kid tries again and again, stands on tiptoes, stretches with all his might. But nothing. Then he looks around and pulls a chair to the shelf - he puffs, tries. He is all collected, aspired, mobilized to overcome obstacles.
If the chair did not help - all is not lost, you can call the adults and ask them to give this thing, so desired and necessary. They do not give right away - try a better, ask for it more firmly.
That is, first turns on Plan A - to overcome, try, give everything. To do this, stress hormones are released in the body, they increase metabolism, make you act and think faster, and help work out against the obstacle. And in most cases this is a success - got it, got it, got it - hurray, victory, triumph, stress gives way to joy.
But it happens that the barrier is not given. Crawled on a chair - and fell, hit. Reached - and still did not get it. I asked an adult to give this thing, - and he was in no way at all. Stress hormones are already in the blood, mobilization has gone - and the victory fell through. What to do here?
Go over to plan B. Deal with defeatat least for the moment. Accept the situation, survive the frustration and be comforted. That is, to move from mobilization to demobilization, to leave the state of stress in the other direction - not in the direction of joy and triumph, but in the direction of sadness and humility.
Here a good helper is tears (psychologist Gordon Neufeld poetically calls them "tears of futility"). Crying relaxes, makes it possible to "pour out" their feelings, and in a literal sense: with tears, the decay products of stress hormones stand out - by the way, rather poisonous in large quantities.
In the event of a collision with frustration, it is important to be able to both get together and break through, as well as accept and relax. As the ancient prayer says, “God, give me the strength to change what I cannot accept, and accept what I cannot change.” Most often, the child acts this way: he tries first to plan A - to break through, and if it does not work out, then plan B - to cry and accept.
Containment in action: in movies and in life
So, for the transition from Plan A to Plan B, from protest to sadness, and containment is necessary. The transition from mobilization to demobilization requires relaxation, at this point we must stop fighting the world, generally stop thinking about it. You need to immerse yourself in yourself, surrender to the senses, having lost vigilance for a while, allowing yourself to “see nothing” from tears, go into your experiences.
It is difficult to do if there is no protective cocoon around, container, psychological womb. If there is not someone who by their behavior will make it clear: “Rely on me, in these moments I am responsible for your safety. I protect you from the world, and you just relax and let the stress go. ”
Finally, dad or boyfriend, crumble the villains into a vinaigrette, through the fire, explosions and falling metal structures make their way to the girl and embrace her in an embrace. And what does she do, our brave and steadfast heroine? Of course, sobbing, buried in his mighty chest and sobbing. She instantly becomes a helpless child, goes to demobilization.
And this is very correct, it is the best prevention of post-stress disorder. As soon as it appeared to whom to contain it, the best thing is to immediately stop being in control, to cry out intensely and stress in a safe hug. A powerful warm wave of the hormone confidence oxytocin will wash away stress, the vessels and muscles will relax. Tomorrow the girl will be as good as new and will begin to prepare for the wedding.
Of course, not all the stresses in our lives are as serious as those of action heroes. Therefore, adults can often move from mobilization to demobilization without the help of other people.
The bus left from under the nose, and we mobilized, ran - but did not have time. Not to look for such trifles as comforting embraces, we cursed with annoyance - and were comforted. Tights broke, the cake burned, the car was scratched - we will breathe and be upset, but we can handle it ourselves. Because we know how, we are able to console ourselves, in due time we learned this when our adults contained us.
But if the stress is serious, it will be difficult for us to do without the containment. Therefore, being included in human relations, we are constantly to a greater or lesser extent becoming for our loved ones a psychological womb, even without always noticing it. The behavior of containment, like the behavior of following, is an unconscious, inherent to our mind social behavior.
If at this moment someone who knows nothing enters the room and tries to ask a question, you will know and stop him so that he does not penetrate into the container of support and protection you created. You will not plan these actions, think, it will turn on by itself: your neighbor is ill, serious stress, create a protective cocoon for him.
Containment behavior may not be included only in people with special needs (for example, autism spectrum disorders) or in those who have never been helped in coping with stress in childhood.
The Secret of the Two Year Terminator
Children are more vulnerable to stress than adults. Their nervous system is immature, their ability to cope with stress is not supported by life experience. Therefore, they experience frustration very acutely, even painfully.
If a child wants something, or does not like something, it captures him entirely, leaving no room for doubts, other possible options, or reasonable arguments. Stress captures, twists into its funnel, it is difficult to move the child to demobilization, it will not cope without containment. But if the child all is well with affectionhe has access your adult and this adult always ready to embrace himthe psychological womb becomes for him a magical means of rebirth.
It is not surprising that at this age evening ritual of going to bed is especially important for children. They want their parents to hold them in their arms, shook them, lie down beside them, hug them, sing a lullaby. A lullaby sounds like a moan or a complaint, as if offering to be sad about all the hardships that have happened during the day and to be comforted. And a very frequent plot of lullabies is about how tomorrow will be a new day, and the baby will jump on its feet and run to new challenges.
And then, when the child grows older and even, perhaps, already grows taller than you, after stressful, difficult days he will ask: sit with me, lie down with me, it will be very important for him to finish the heavy watch of this day in your arms, under your affectionate, lulling words. Not only children - and adults would not have refused this.
So the secret of the two-year-old Terminator is simple: time to climb on the handles. And you'll be as good as new.