Do not cultivate these 8 qualities in your children - so that they do not become alcoholics
It is impossible to predict whether a person will suffer from alcohol dependence. However, narcologists and psychologists working with alcoholics and their families are well aware of a set of qualities and characteristics of character that can later lead to alcoholism. And these traits are inculcated, as a rule, in childhood. How to raise children, so as not to raise from them people suffering from addictions?
All of these human characteristics can be found in people who are far from problems with alcohol. However, in alcoholics, they are particularly pronounced.
- Do you remember what words your future husband explained to you in love?
- No, he did not say any words. I kissed, and I realized that he loved me.
- And what words did he offer you?
- He said he could not live without me. He also said: "I need you."
The future alcoholic was accurate. He really needed such a supportive wife for him; he could not live and drink without her. The words "I can not live without you", "I need you" expressed not so much the power of his love, as the power of his dependence.
“My husband is my second child, underdeveloped. I picked him up exactly in the place where mom left him. Up to 20 years, she followed him like a little child, and then I did it,” says an alcoholic's wife.
Patients with alcoholism prefer not to take responsibility. This feature was also characteristic of them before the development of alcoholism. If they do not make decisions, they will not make a mistake.
It so happened in their lives that since childhood, all decisions were made by mother - what is, what shirt to wear. Such people, having already become adults, for quite a long time live in the same house with their mother, and after marriage they often talk up with her. To such an extent often that it reflects not just related feelings, but psychological dependence on mother.
This type of person lives hard, he plays a double role - the son of the mother and the husband of the wife. Until he understood for himself which of these roles is the main one for him, he is between two fires. In fact, he does not fulfill either the son's obligations or the duties of her husband, confronting two women in conflict:
"We have been married for 18 years. We have a son. I try to cook deliciously. But it annoys me that my husband often goes to his mom on the way home from work and dines there. He does not warn me about this, and I angrily pour out the borscht."
Another alcoholic's wife shared this story: when the children were small and both spouses worked, the husband often called her at work and said:
"You know, I drank a little today. I can't go to the kindergarten for my son. I am ashamed. Take him away myself."
Convenient, isn't it, shift the responsibility for taking care of the children to your wife?
The desire to avoid responsibility and the need to make decisions leads to the use of alcohol as a means of avoiding reality. Drinking becomes a way to escape from problems.
When a person starts drinking (using drugs), he stops growing and spiritual growth. Working with addicts, I constantly observe the same thing. Externally, a person may look like a 40-year-old man, but when I ask him what his name is, he answers: “Sasha”.
Gena, Vasek, Yurik - such people are emotionally stuck at the age of 17 years. When an alcoholic wants to drink, he behaves like a child who wants to get a treat. Give him the desired immediately! Adults, but not children, can postpone satisfaction of desires. Resist to troubles, pains can adults, but not children.
The alcoholic's wife, a doctor by profession, says:
"When my husband needs the help of a dentist, I agree on general anesthesia. Only in this way can he allow something to do with his tooth. No, not to pull out, but simply to heal caries. He is very afraid of pain."
Similarly, patients with alcoholism can not withstand the difficulties of life. Normally, we humans emotionally grow when we overcome pain, trouble, when we solve problems. Patients with addiction avoid it, because there are always people around who are ready to take on the struggle with difficulties.
Inability to suffer
An alcoholic cannot tolerate even minor failures, he cannot remain in a state of frustration for a long time. The word "frustration" comes from the Latin "frustratio" - deception, failure, vain hope. Frustration - this is a mental state that occurs as a result of the collapse of hopes, the inability to achieve goals. Usually frustration is accompanied by depressed mood, tension, anxiety. Normal life necessarily confronts us with many frustrations. We have to transfer them.
The alcoholic has a short wick, it quickly ignites, explodes. And you never know what put him off balance. He may become enraged if his wife did not submit a pressed shirt, if the son did not close the tube of toothpaste. One woman, the daughter of an alcoholic, told how her father raised a scandal over the fact that she "put the pot on the stove not in the center."
Daily minor inconveniences are unbearable for an alcoholic. He either explodes in anger and rage, or resorts to drinking. Family members try not to annoy him, literally and figuratively tiptoe to not disturb their loved ones.
Inability to express their feelings
“My husband is often out of sorts. He closes and is silent. It’s useless to ask what happened at work. He just doesn’t know how to express his feelings,” said an alcoholic’s wife, who had stopped drinking a few years ago.
This inability to express one's feelings is alexithymia.
To the question "How do you feel?" patients with alcoholism (as well as their adult children) answer: "Normally". To the question "What do you feel?" they find it difficult to answer. I have to make some effort to get a self-report from the alcoholic about his feelings, and at this time I am reminded of the disinhibiting effect of alcohol. Shy, squeezed, enslaved people under the influence of alcohol do what they can not do in a sober state. They can become talkative, sociable, they can more freely talk about love and hate.
Alexithymia is not peculiar to alcoholics. Many of us either do not know how or find it difficult to express our feelings. Education plays a big role in this. It is believed that boys should not cry: "Do not cry, you're a man." It requires work, new skills, a lot of effort to learn how to voice, live and allow yourself to "feel your feelings."
No matter how sick a dependency is, he does not think anything good about himself in his heart. He does not treat himself as a worthy and valuable person. Alcohol allows you to instantly change the situation. "Yes, you know who I am!" he says boastfully when he drinks.
The next day, he is ashamed of his behavior, is embarrassed, perhaps apologizes: "I behaved awfully yesterday." He regrets his behavior, if, of course, he remembers the boastful statements.
Wives are well aware of this inclination of their husbands and often use it to cultivate an inferiority complex in them. Here I must warn them: by acting in this way, you are not helping the patient cope with alcohol problems and further aggravate their marital relationship.
To aggravate the feeling of guilt, of your own low value, is to stimulate the husband's drunkenness. Low self-esteem. The alcoholic has a desire to pour a bitter feeling with a new portion of alcohol. And the more he drinks, the more swaggers.
Perfectionism (from the English. Perfect - perfect, flawless) - a psychological feature that pushes a person to perfection at any cost. This is life without the right to make a mistake, a high standard of requirements for yourself and others.
Alcoholics are often perfectionists. If such a person has conceived something to do, the project should be executed in the best way, and not somehow. If for some reason this is not possible, the alcoholic may refuse the offer altogether.
The alcoholic's wife tells:
“My husband decided to make repairs in the apartment. I bought paints and brushes. I brought furniture out of the bedroom. I cleaned the walls from wallpaper. half year already".
Perfectionism, combined with the inability to endure setbacks, can be used by an alcoholic as a pretext for the next drink. The feelings of an alcoholic in such cases are heating up disproportionately to the situation that provoked them.
It accompanies the alcoholic all his life. Even in the parental family, long before he started drinking, he felt guilty. For what? Yes, for anything. For example, because of his birth brought many difficulties to the family, for the fact that they love him, and he behaves badly.
The alcoholic did not want to do all that he did yesterday, being drunk. He does not love in himself that drunk man. "I hit you yesterday. I am terrible. It will never happen again," he repents. And for the atonement of guilt, he either drags a huge bouquet to his wife, or washes the floors in the whole apartment.
After binge drinking, feelings of guilt intensify. At this time, an alcoholic promises to stop drinking, and at such times it will be easier to persuade him to go to a narcologist. When a person is guilty, they are easier to manage - the controlling wives of alcoholics know this well. The wife may aggravate the feeling of guilt, but then he becomes convinced that nothing good comes of it.