Synology for moms - a short course of education of boys
"Boys are not like girls, and we know that. However, from my point of view, all these conversations that men and women are from different planets and have completely different brains, do not give anything good to mothers. Do not forget that between you and your son have much more in common than different things, "said a New Zealand psychologist with 20 years of experience Nigel Latta, whose next book has recently been published in Russian.
I will give three tips for each stage of growing up boys, from toddlers to teenagers. Just more tips you will not need. It makes no sense to give two dozen - so you simply do not remember. Three is enough.
Raising babies (2-6 years old)
Kids are very funny creatures. This is a very important stage in the development of communication, as children begin to make sentences from words in order to understand the world around them and interact with it. If you teach them as many words as possible to understand and interpret emotions, they will be able to respond to life more flexibly than those who have less vocabulary.
The little ones are also funny because they experience a rather narrow spectrum of emotions, but with such intensity that it is capable of amazing. They are often angry, and their anger increases from about two to three years. Then for the first time tantrums appear. Your wonderful one-and-a-half year old baby suddenly falls into a rage of incredible strength, but fortunately, it is insignificant in scale. He yells, stalks his feet on the floor, hurls things and looks very angry.
If you think your child breaks off incredible numbers, go to YouTube and type in a hysterical search engine. At this age, they all behave this way. It is as if a small wave of rage is passing through their developing brains, which they cannot control. They have to wait until she burns out herself. These tantrums are caused by disappointment when they cannot do what they want, because you forbid them, when they lack the motor skills for this, or when they cannot get a red cup.
I was always amazed at the ease with which the kids were upset. They have an incredibly fragile heart, and every little thing, from staying up to sleep to not being able to watch Sponge Bob on TV, can break it into hundreds of small fragments. Fortunately, they collect themselves in seconds, which somewhat relieves stress.
Here are my tips on communicating with kids.
- Have fun.
This is a wonderful age, so try to make the most of it. Make as many stupid conversations as possible. Talk about butterflies, puddles and cubes. Speak as much as you can.
- Explain to him all the richness of choice.
If he learns that apart from anger, there are joy, sadness, embarrassment, fear, surprise, courage, frown, melancholy (kids love that word), mourning, happiness and much more, you will let him know from the very beginning that his choice is much wider than just anger or just joy. If you ask your kid if he is gloomy, and somehow it is fun to beat, he will like it, even if he is really not too cheerful.
- Invent as often as possible and more sophisticated.
It is impossible to overestimate the importance of fraud. This is a lot of fun for you and for him. At this age, they believe any nonsense, so you have the opportunity to create around them whole worlds of magic and wizardry. This is a colossal power, but it is very short-lived, so use it while you can.
Big boys (7-11 years old)
Big boys are becoming aware of the power of communication as a tool. Even if they do not use the impressive lexicon, their life is full of events that seem to them extremely important. However, much of what they tell or show to their parents looks somewhat trivial. The reason is that their stories are really commonplace.
Is it interesting for us to know that today in class Johnny Brown turned his colors, they spread on the table, Mrs. Smith had to wipe them, and Johnny began to cry, and Mrs. Smith asked Molly to help him, but Molly did not want to, because Johnny offended her at breakfast ... and so on and so forth? No, we are not interested at all. And we are not always honest. Sometimes we are preoccupied with cooking dinner, or we want to finish the work as quickly as possible, without having the slightest desire to go into the details of the Johnny drama with colors.
However, it is important to make an effort and show him how it is possible that you are interested. The content of the conversations is boring, but he must understand that you are always interested in him. No one will be able to follow this one hundred percent (how many times I myself tried to be attentive when I was retold the seventy-eighth episode about Sponge Bob), but we should try. It will take several years, the pendulum will swing, and the conversations will temporarily run out, so now is the time to show him that you are near and you are interested.
Here are my three tips for communicating with the big boys:
- Show interest.
Sometimes it is really difficult. However, try to be interested in his life, and when your son becomes a teenager, he will know that his mother will always have time to listen to him.
- Teach him flexibility.
Help him develop a flexible approach to his emotional reactions. Usually, in the midst of a rage attack, you can’t do anything, except to try to calm him down, so leave the analysis for later. Conversations before bedtime - the best time to discuss the outburst of anger. Ask: was there any other way to respond to the situation, or how he understood it - the only option that came to his mind?
- Develop his self-confidence.
Everything is simple here: you just have to say that he is a smart boy and he can figure it out himself. Say that he understands his emotions perfectly well: you cannot make him feel that which, in his opinion, does not suit him. Add that he is a strong man, he will not allow feelings to prevail, pushing on the wrong deeds.
This is the stage of gaining confidence and experience. Demonstrate with all your might that you are interested in what is happening in his world. Sometimes it's boring, but if you decide to find out how the big boys see the world, you will find many interesting discoveries.
Teenagers (12-18 years old)
For mothers, this is a rather difficult period, as teenagers often seem strange. It is difficult to understand how a cute nine-year-old boy who hugged you endlessly turned into a grumbling fourteen-year-old adolescent who behaves as if you are an obstacle on his path to happiness. Instead of words - grunts, shrugs and even angry looks. Usually it is the lack of communication that scares moms. The worst thing you can do here is try to push it. Some mothers make the mistake of believing that if they talk long enough, in the end, the son will have to answer something.
All the way around. He will only get even more angry.
Remember that an ordinary teenager is an absolute pragmatist, which means that he does not see the point in conversations. Why should he talk about his day? After all, the day has passed. Why talk about future plans? They are either not yet, or he does not want to talk about them in case he fails, because then he will look silly. Why talk about what he thinks? These are his thoughts, and nobody should care about them.
Here are my tips on communicating with mysterious teens:
- Free space.
Do not overwhelm him with words. Let him breathe freely. He will think about what you said, if he has such an opportunity. Sometimes it’s enough to ask a question and leave the teenager alone with him. The more freedom you give him, the more he will think about your words.
- Pragmatism is everything.
The teenager lives by the formula "Why do I need this?". If you understand this, half the work is done. When you talk to him, try to make your point of view from the point of view of efficiency, so that he sees in them the benefit and benefit.
- Less is better.
The most important thing to remember in a conversation with adolescents: as few words as possible. Do not use commas in your sentences and ask questions as rarely as possible. Short, simple, clear requests work best. The more words you have in your sentence, the more opportunities there is to start a dispute.
This does not mean that you should not talk to teenagers, but try to choose the right moments. You should be like a Buddhist nun - with a focus not on the monastic way of life, but on the Buddhist approach to the subject of study. A Buddhist will never come to you to preach: he will wait for him to be called. If you ask, he will gladly tell you everything you want, but he will never impose - you must first ask.
If you use this approach in communicating with your teenage son, your relationship will become much more productive, and he will start listening to you. Do not teach him: wait until he asks for himself.
Sometimes it takes a long time to wait.