Preparing for the exam, GIA, transferable exams: how to stop the tantrum
Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya published the book “What to do if waiting for the exam?” - you can say, the sequel “What to do if ...”, but for high school students who are going to have the unified state examination, GIA and other tests. It is addressed to children and will help them to make their preparation for exams and behavior on exams more effective, teach them to overcome fears. But her parents should also read it: to reduce the level of panic and save relationships.
Exams and Tantrum
I understand that you are already exhausted from anxiety and concern for the child, who are facing examination tests. Maybe this is a “great and terrible” USE, maybe a smaller monster - GIA, maybe a difficult session at a university or enrolling in a desired school.
You are worried that he is “doing little”, he has “anything in his head, except for studying”, that “it’s as if I need it, not him”. And maybe, on the contrary, your child studies hard, but is very shy and anxious, and you are afraid that he will get lost and give up badly, even knowing everything. It also happens.
Parental nerves and teachers do not cherish - usually two years before the Unified State Exam, all communication between teachers and children and parents is tantalizing: you need to practice, we don’t have time, the class is weak, they don’t give up ... As a result, by the middle of the 11th class, and parents already startled at the single word "USE", they develop a real neurosis. It seems that in life there is nothing more than a single goal - to get good points.
The hysteric is spreading like an infection - ninth-graders are already shaking because of the GIA, already at meetings in the 4th grade, there is no talk about transfer exams in the gymnasium class (and who will not pass, “go to the class for fools”). Additional classes on weekends, tutors in the evenings, intermediate checks, a visit to the head teacher's class with “motivating” speeches.
In the furnace of this hysteria fly money, time, health, and the sad thing is family relations. There are no such measures of influence that teachers and parents are not ready to try to force children to learn and repeat. There are no such offensive words that could not break away from the language of the parent, who is not able to observe how the child “is wasted on time” and “is completely devil-may-care for learning”.
Not only children get, now mom shouts at dad: “Do something with him, you don't give a damn about his future,” and dad doesn’t remain in debt: “I tutor around the clock around the clock, and you can’t force a dummy to do am I also to blame? ”In general, everyone is having fun.
What do children think about exams and admission
And what about the children? Children are protected from this hysteria, as they can - sabotage, indifference, rudeness, disease. It is impossible to live in tension all the time. It is impossible to sacrifice two years of adolescence to Moloch examinations without adolescence.
And of course, they are very afraid. They are afraid to fail, to be among the "fools", they are afraid to disappoint their parents, they are afraid that "mom will not survive this."
I conducted groups for high school graduates who were nervous about the exams. In role-playing games, they entered the role of their parents and said that, in their opinion, moms and dads think and feel: “If you do not act, we will be extremely disappointed. As if you are not our daughter. No, we, of course, love you, but we were waiting for another from you. And what will the relatives say! And what can I say at work! Everyone will feel sorry for me that I have such an unsuccessful child. And what will happen to you later? After all, your fate is now being decided, your whole life: will it be successful or not? ”
Not the fact that real moms and dads really think so, but so it is in the mind of children. So they see and feel, perceive our fears.
Does the paralyzing horror turn out to be a “loser”, disappoint or even “ruin” their own parents helps children learn? Stimulates them to engage harder? Forms love and interest in the subject? Oh, hardly.
They don't learn when they yell at them
There is the most important postulate of the theory of attachment, a very close approach to me to the psychology of child development: “Development comes from a point of peace”. Children do not grow because we pull them by the ears. They grow because we care about them, we feed, we love. Similarly, development and cognitive interest.
Remember when your child was still a baby: at what moments was he the most curious, most active explorer of the world? When he wanted to know everything, when he asked a million questions, when he enthusiastically read or watched a movie about animals? Certainly not in moments of fear or quarrel with you. And then, when he was happy and calm: mom-dad is near, nothing hurts, nothing threatens, everything is fine, you can safely learn the world and learn new things.
Your child has grown up, his tasks have become more complicated. But still, when they intimidate him, accuse him, when they shout at him, all his mental strength is spent on repulsing. Different children do it in different ways: someone yells in response, someone closes and leaves, someone takes offense and cries, someone portrays trying to get behind. But what are they exactly do not do at such moments - it does not learn. And they do not know and do not understand anything new.
How to stop a tantrum
Want a child to pass exams better? Protect him from tantrums. Do not play alongwhich, in the last year, is trying to pass the responsibility on children for being poorly able to teach and not at all able to make studying fascinating (by the way, the better the school is not more prestigious, namely the better, the less pre-examination hysteria happens there). Do not pass on everything that was heard at the parent meeting. Help to treat what is happening with humor and healthy non-identity. Create a point of rest.
And above all take it easy yourselfAfter all, children feel your state and attitude, even if you do not say "nothing like that" out loud. The sky will not fall to the ground, even if your child passes the exam worse than we would like. Life does not end there - neither him nor yours.
In the modern world, the fate and professional future of a person is not at all decided in his 17 years. How many of your peer friends work in the field they studied right after school? In the world every year dozens of professions disappear and dozens of new ones appear. We cannot even imagine who our children will work with (the only exception is the rare cases of children who immediately know their purpose, for example, a musician or a doctor, and are faithful to him all his life).
You can enroll in one university and go to another. You can work, then finish my studies. You can be successful without higher education. You can go to another country, where everything is different. There are many options. If the young man, in principle, has not lost his will and interest in life, he will find his way. If for him everything is not lost, and the whole initiative is not repulsed. If he doesn’t have the impression that the choice is this: or you study (work), and then you don’t live, you don’t belong to yourself, or you live, but then you spit on everything that is somehow connected with result and responsibility.
Do you love your child and know, maybe it's time to believe in him? Just to believe that one way or another, maybe not like everything, maybe in a rather unusual way, but he will find his place in life, and it will be a worthy place, giving him self-esteem and the joy of success. The more we fuss, we solve problems for the child, we give him to understand that he is careless, irresponsible, childish, the less chance he will consider studying as his own business, and not something imposed on him by his parents, the school imposed by society.
We can arrange, pay, force, press, persuade. But we cannot learn anything for a child, pass anything; we cannot become older and more independent for it. We can not live his life for him. Our parental affair is to give him support for his own choice of the path.
This is not our fight, we are a support group.
When parents ask me what they should do during preparation of the child for the exams, I jokingly say: “Flies away the flies”. But in every joke, as we know, only a fraction of the joke. “Chase away flies” means drive away extra stress, help cope with fears, surround you with care.
To prepare what he loves and what he eats, even if he cannot swallow a piece from his nerves. Expel a walk, air out. Lay in bed if disconnected at the desk. Laugh, relieve stress. Make a head and neck massage. To say that you love, that you believe that everything will work out. Kiss before bed.
Once and simply to help: to explain, instead of something to find in a book or on the Internet, read it out loud if your eyes are tired, drive on dates, tell an interesting, vivid story that will help you understand and remember.
Take care, but do not take responsibility for what we are not responsible for. This is not our test. This is not our fight. This is not our exam on "good results of education", even if it seems so to us.
We are here - a support group. We are on the pickup with a cup of broth - to reinforce our strength, with our smart friends who can call in the night - to ask about the most difficult and incomprehensible, with books and with the Internet, with hugs and kind words. We are responsible for the point of rest. We are not responsible for preparing for exams and their results.