Caution - rudeness in the family! How to fight - and keep the relationship
We complain about the rudeness in the stores, the audacity in transport and the aggression on the roads. But how often offenses await at home, when the closest people, those who, it seems, should protect each other, are rude and snapping cleaner than tram boors. An unexpected way to deal with everyday rudeness is offered by psychologist and writer Galina Artemyeva.
Now I want to write about what is for us - alas - the norm! It's all about the same thing: about behavior problems. How many times I watched: in humans, a person looks very decent, civilized, well-mannered. And at home ... At home, relaxing. So it is now called. That is, at home a person (gender in this case is not important) becomes himself, confidently believing that this is his (her) right. At home, you can tell your wife if she did not immediately respond to your call:
- Are you deaf?
- Yes, how can you repeat that you ...
- Look, dressed up! What have you got on yourself?
Or someone from close:
- Shut up!
"You are not asked ..." - "Not your business" (option "Not your damn business"), "contagion", "schmuck", "goat", "What ... are you here ...", "Well, that stared like a goat to the new gate "... Does it make sense to continue on? Everyone knows the replicas and frazochki of this kind.
Once in the temple after the service I was sitting on a bench, and next to me a young mother dressed a son of about four years old. And he, apparently tired, not very quickly put his hand in the jacket. At this, the mother said: "Move, come on, faster, otherwise you will get in the ass!"
And we all just partook. I usually never meet. Not my business. And here she gasped:
- What are you? How are you
And she completely misunderstood me! She said that this is not a mat. And that she is loving. Everything! It did not make sense to speak further. The man did not hear me, did not understand and was not going to understand. She did not find anything wrong in her words. It's a pity. Here it is, domestic rudeness in its purest form.
Licentiousness in everyday life. So, decency in public is a mask? And behind her ... not a human face. Erysipelas And at home the mask breaks down (presses, you need to give yourself a rest - and where, if not at home?) So the person stays at home with a mug. This also applies to the domestic appearance, and the manner of eating (chomping, blowing the nose at the table, taking food with your hands, climbing your spoon into a common dish ...), and behavior ... And how can it turn away - do not convey! You can talk about decent behavior a thousand times, but a child in such a family will still grow up as a boor - for the most important thing is an example. Domestic rudeness corrodes the soul, even if the home seems that they are accustomed to this.
The word is a powerful weapon! The visual row (the expressions of the parents, their home outfits, postures, etc.) have the strongest effect on the child. And if they are negative, then a person grows up with disgust for life and people.
We are all drawn to beauty. And we want to earn a lot of money to make a house beautiful. ”Monograms, ziggles, mansions ... But believe me, you do not see anything and you don’t notice if you are a ham next to you. Because the soul is shrinking. And monograms do not help it.
I always say: the most important people in our life are those who make up our family. Why is it on them should pour rudeness? Want to run out after a hard day? Let off steam on husband, children? So ask yourself at least: what are you trying to achieve? You are undermining your own world! You destroy good and peace. Own behavior, from scratch ...
Need to be discharged. But not in such ways. Tired, annoyed, angry?
- Under the shower!
- Jump (one hundred jumps with a skipping rope).
- Climb the stairs of the house several times (from the first to the fifth, sixth, seventh floor ...) Exercise perfectly eliminates stress.
I now call the most accessible methods of stress relief for a city dweller. And there is also a swimming pool, walking tour, jogging, etc. Irritation in the process of moving away. There are new forces.
And besides, remember about politeness. For some reason, we have forgotten this word. And without it, nowhere! An impolite person looks like a cave dick. Politeness is both an expression of the face, and turns of speech respectful of whoever you communicate, and intonation (much depends on them) ... Politeness is not a weakness. On the contrary: power! It is a control over your emotions, over your own inability to behave ... Above the way you look, even if you feel bad now ...
I will quote from the book of Ariel Sef "Born in the ghetto":
“Having come to visit my parents once, I waited for people with a package for their relatives and came out not too tidy. Mom began to nag me, and I:
- Think about who they are, that I have to dress up in front of them?
- Who cares who they are! It matters who you are. "
Here! Exactly! It is very easy to notice the flaws in the behavior and appearance of outsiders. But peering into yourself ... His dignity must be observed!
Understand and remember these words: "What does it matter who they are! It matters who you are."
When I posted a post about domestic rudeness in my blog, it was immediately followed by responses full of sadness. Yes! Exactly! Yes - we face! Yes - the soul skukozhivaetsya. And what to do? And is it possible to do something? I answer: you can try. Even if everything is very running.
Although, if you have lived with your partner for several years, enduring his rudeness, it is sometimes very difficult to change the current model of relationships. Here, or initially you need to make it clear that you are not satisfied with a certain tone, some turns of speech, or ... And most importantly, for our part, always be extremely polite and worthy person. And yet I repeat: you can try. But you need the strictest self-control and patience. The ability to achieve goals: here we have set a task for ourselves - and we are not turning.
So what to do? Shouting? Cry? Offended? To be rude in response even stronger? Obey and swallow a grudge? Or just drop everything and leave? In general, the topic of quitting and leaving seems to be the easiest and simplest for many. Although in fact it is about killing. The killing of a family, the killing of relationships — for some reason, the fact that we, who do not know how much (it is a pity, but a fact), seem to be the easiest.
Look - here is a situation (absurd example - do not be alarmed): your friend says offensive things. Well - not the most offensive, usually habitually boorish. And you just kill him in response. Everything. No man - no problem. Horror! But we are often determined precisely to kill. In a figurative sense, of course. We just remove a person from his life. We kill the relationship. And we still remember evil.
And if you do not kill? That is - to tune in to preserve the relationship? In this case, it makes sense to proceed as follows (this is where patience is required):
- You do not react to boorish questions, antics, etc. Just do not notice at all.
- On the good, on the positive react with tenderness and warmth.
- Behave yourself immaculately! In this case, without requiring the partner to match you. But he, simply seeing your systematic amazing behavior, will feel uncomfortable in the role of a boor (but in order to understand this, he will need time!).
- Are you deaf?
Silence. Since he thinks he is deaf, it means that he is deaf.
- You are deaf, I ask you?
Silence. He fits. You:
- You asked something, dear? I did not hear you.
If he changes the form of the question, you answer him very gently and lovingly. Well, and so on. Just boorish intonation, words, etc. There should be no reaction. Respectful behavior strongly encourage. And give the necessary example yourself. Try it. It is difficult, but many succeed, although not immediately. Remember: your own politeness, smile and decent behavior work wonders. This is verified by multiple experiences!
And I wrote here about this serious problem because in a family where everyday rudeness reigns, no mature, kind, reliable relationship can be built. This is the law. Rudeness destroys. And relationships, and health, and beauty, and hope for the best.
Do not want to be trampled? Do not deal with boors. No matter how innocent at first you are rude, believe me, it will grow into something more when cad feels his power over you.