Family relationships: one honeymoon is not enough
We often hear: you have to work on relationships, you have to learn an emotional response. “We are already doing well,” we dismiss the recommendations of psychologists. “And there is no time,” we think to ourselves. A very wise man, Dr. Yitzhak Calderon Adizes, talks about maintaining family relationships in such a way that one wants to follow his advice.
How to save a family
Change causes destruction. In the place of the former remains the ruins. Break the most beautiful garden, which is possible to create for money. Stop following him, and over time he will overgrow with weeds.
Stop keeping your car in working condition. Luxurious, the best of all that you can buy. Do not use it. Do not do anything with it. A couple of years the car will not start.
You must "maintain in working condition" everything that is subject to change. Your house. Car. Garden. And of course, business and family.
The recipe for activating the company can be found in my lectures and books: from time to time the structure of the organization should be changed. Review your reward system. Redefine the company's mission. Adapt information systems to new realities.
Do it in advance. Do not wait for the onset of the crisis. Transform the organizational structure annually, preferably at the same time, a year after the previous update. Further, it would be advisable to review your personnel decisions, as well as information needs and flows.
Apply the same approach to car care. Hand it over for maintenance after every 6000 miles. Do not delay the prophylaxis, show the car to the mechanic before it breaks or stagger.
How does the described procedure compare with the marital union? What does active, timely care mean in the case of a family?
If you do nothing, you will come to the inevitable gap. You do not need to do anything specifically to destroy your marriage. He will fall apart ... under the influence of change.
One of my friends recently experienced a shock. His wife demanded a divorce. “I don’t understand why she wants to get a divorce,” he told me. - I did not do anything!".
This is it! And it was necessary to do something. Marital relations need support.
What does "support the family" mean? The insight came to me during a conversation with one of my clients. We discussed the schedule of my visits to his company (I usually schedule a consultation for the year ahead). I suggested a date, and he said that he could not meet with me, since he would have a honeymoon.
Honeymoon? I was shocked. Was he going to divorce his wife? Almost the day before we had dinner together. And now, it turns out, he is already preparing to marry again and goes on a honeymoon!
Seeing the surprise on my face, he with a smile hurried to reassure me: “My wife is the same. Every year we go on a honeymoon for our wedding anniversary. Because - (here it dawned on me!) - one honeymoon is not enough for a long married life. ”
Here it is! Once a year on your wedding anniversary go to the honeymoon. Without children. Without friends. Only double. Choose the most romantic of the possible places. Where you both want to return, or where you both want to go.
In addition, if you have difficulties in relationships, it does not matter for what reason, for the weekend, get out of the house from worries, from work, from children. Go somewhere where you can be together. Relax.
Do not do anything. Talk to each other, promising yourself that you will solve all the problems later. Just stay with each other. "Recharge the batteries."
Not only your relationship needs support. Both your body and mind need it. For the body, life-giving water treatments and SPA. And meditation will help free the mind.
The more hectic you live, the more you need to take care of yourself.
How to learn to be silent and listen
Observing the mother who consoled the crying child, I suddenly noticed that these two had hardly even exchanged a few words. It is unlikely that the words sounded. Mother pressed her daughter to her chest, kissed her and lightly stroked. All I could hear was a gentle whisper.
I thought to myself that by and large we are all children in our hearts. When we feel bad, we just want to be loved, cared for, cuddled, and comforted by our loved ones. No need for words. In moments of resentment and longing, the words only hinder our need to feel ourselves and to feel someone's sympathy.
In our culture, it has long been considered a truism that cannot be explained to a woman when she is depressed or simply out of spirit. The search for logical reasons for the offense and attempts to correct the case by reasoning will only lead to a flash of anger, if not rage.
We only need to be silent and listen. Women need emotional support, not reasoning; love, not logic; the feeling that a native person shares their feelings, not their thoughts. What I call "sympathy."
However, if you think about it, we, men, need the same and strive for the same. Imagine you returned home after a hard talk at work. She expects a story from you about what happened; tries to approach the matter logically; convinces you not to take everything so close to your heart, not to sour and gather.
I suppose the result is obvious: any of us men will go berserk. Just shut up and feel my pain - that's what we need, although it is often so difficult to pronounce these words - because we are too macho to ask for support. Isn't it better when a close person just embraces, strokes his arm, listens, even just sits silently beside him?
If we consider this an insight, I would formulate it in the following way: the solution of logical problems must be approached logically, and the emotional ones - with feeling. It is not necessary to apply feelings to logic, but logic to feelings.
Here are some examples of possible confusion.
Think of a dying person. Now imagine someone telling him that death is not so scary. In fact. There is life after death. God is waiting for him. And heaven, in essence, is a beautiful place. It sounds so idiotic that it is not even funny ... An example of an attempt, taken to the extreme, to cope with feelings with the help of logic, with the help of words.
Something else is needed here. Very simple. Unsophisticated. Maybe just take your hand. Silently. Affectionately. Attach your hand to his heart. Look into the eyes.
This is the way to express your love. To convey a feeling of compassion. Say nothing. Words only break off, blur the connection between you.
Feelings should be answered with feelings.
Following the same principle, logical problems should be solved logically, without the manifestation of feelings.
Suppose you came to someone for advice and outlined the essence of the problem. Instead of discussing it with you, suggesting possible alternative ways out of the situation, the interlocutor will take you by the hand and gently embrace, trying to encourage. You will not hesitate to reject the help of such a person. You needed advice, not emotional support; unshakable rational arguments, not sympathy or empathy.
Make it a rule: to respond with feelings to the feelings and logic to the logic. The answer must match the request.
Take a look at lovers sitting at sunset on the beach. Will he say, “Do you want, list everything I love you for?” Or just silently hug her? In this situation, the words just spoil everything. Feelings come from the heart, and - yes, the unity of hearts exists and can be felt. Without further ado and long explanations.
For me, this insight, which arose when I watched the mother, who consoled the child, echoes the relations of marriage, the quarrel of lovers and even the cooling between business partners. The fact is that people are not hurt by what happened to them, but by the significance that they attach to what happened. Therefore, they respond more with the heart than with the mind.
In such situations, we must first help the person by showing him our empathy. When he calms down and asks for advice, really wants to hear our opinion, only then should he voice. Not earlier!