Are you still slapping the kids? 8 reasons not to do this
Not all parents can get children to obey. The state of helplessness arises quickly and leads to slapping, shouting and punishing the child, who, if you think about it, has not guilty of anything. Mansur Shangareyev, the most famous father of Instagram with many children and the author of the book "Daddy's Children", in which he talks about raising his four children, knows how to break the vicious circle. So, first of all, we must stop beating the child.
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Why not beat the child? No good
Physical punishment as a method of education is a definite, unequivocal "no." And no: "Oh, they beat us, and nothing — they grew up with normal people ..."
Well, first of all, “normal” and “happy” are different concepts. Do you have no psychological problems? You can easily recall moments when your closest people were bludgeoning - people who, on the contrary, should always protect you?
And secondly: well, you're lucky - you grew up normal. But do you like today's society? Do you like morally unstable, inadequate people who later easily turn into maniacs, flayers, murderers? Maybe all the same past generations made mistakes in education?
Put yourself in the child's seat. What does he feel when you beat him? Fear, humiliation, helplessness, weakness ...
How should children react to beatings? The natural desire of any living being is to protect oneself. Just think about it! Your baby, whom you love so much, is afraid (!) Of your mother, wants to protect herself from her, to hide!
By the way, what would you say to a child if he suddenly comes up and knocks you on your refusal to turn on cartoons or to give him extra candy? "Ay-ah-ah, you can't fight!" And you, adults aunt and uncle, you can fight?
But you do that. Asked to eat soup - did not listen - slap! They said to remove the toys - did not obey - a slap! Spilled milk - plop! These are precisely such terrible crimes for which indelible marks should be left in the child's soul? Then beat yourself if you overslept, broke a plate or sharply answered a colleague.
Understand - strong threads are torn, the connection between you and the child collapses, its limit of confidence in you is exhausted. You who are called to protect, betray and hurt. You, strong and big, beat small and weak. What should a child do to deserve such a severe punishment?
Why do we beat children? Thus, we want to make them do what we need, show them wrong, punish, teach them a lesson ... But is it really impossible to find normal methods?
Your strike is “effective” in only one specific situation. The child stopped spoiling things because he was afraid of punishment. Believe me, as soon as you are not around, or he will be sure that he will be able to avoid retribution, he will take up the old.
He will be stopped not by conscience, not by the voice of reason, but only by fear, which is not eternal. If a child is studying for five, fearing your punishment for bad grades, he will stop learning and comprehend new things as soon as he gets rid of your control. Strength in this case is the weakest method.
In addition, a child who is in fear simply cannot properly absorb information. He becomes numb, freezes and generally does not understand what you are saying to him. If you add physical pain here too - it will be too much for the baby.
You beat a child because of his own insolvency, helplessness and helplessness. Thus, it shows that to beat is normal. That violence is the norm, even between the closest people. And why, if you can, it is impossible, for example, to him?
Understand, there is no use in beating children, especially in the long run, especially if you think about the consequences. Yes, the child will shut up this minute, stop chasing the ball around the apartment, begin to solve examples ... you will achieve your goal. But what is the use of it if he does it not of his own will, but simply because of the animal fear of pain? How is it possible to train a child like an animal?
Learn to restrain yourself. Think of the consequences. Why don't you beat the boss who infuriates you? Relatives you don't get along with? Neighbors who listen to loud music at night? With them you find the strength to hold back, because you understand what the consequences may be. Because you know: this behavior of yours will not bring benefits, but will only aggravate the situation.
And now vividly imagine the worst consequences of beating a child. He will fear you, not trust you; carry a grudge against you through life and will suffer from it; will become neurotic; grow into a downtrodden, insecure, unhappy person ... the list goes on and on. And think about it: is it worth your momentary weakness and irritation?
How to control yourself. You can count to ten, wash with cold water, start meditating, eat a bar of chocolate - choose any effective method for you, the main thing is to stop before waving a hand on the most expensive thing you have.
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High tone, accusations, insults
Not a beat, of course, but also an unnecessary and unpleasant thing. I will write briefly: children are able to assimilate information only at rest, so when you shout, what is said comes to them extremely badly. Screaming is not a good way to communicate.
Your task is to explain to the child, to show, to tell, to teach, and not to scare you with your cry in such a way that the child will not understand anything, but he will obey by inertia.
Insults we program children on a certain wave. If you instill in your son that he is sloppy, cowardly and worthless, and his daughter - that she is stupid, ugly and stupid, they will grow up like this, do not hesitate.
But you yourself believe in the words that you say? Believe that breaking a cup from the service is the most terrible thing in life? And that baby - an idiot and a handle, if accidentally dropped it? Believe it?
And the child believes. By the way, drop the cup yourself, you probably would not have pounced on yourself with shouts and obzyvatelstvami.
Of course, there are times when shouting is a must. For example, when a danger arises for the life and health of a child or in other similar situations. But using a cry every day, simply because you cannot convey your ban or instruction to a child, is extremely silly. Thus, you simply sign in their helplessness and weakness.
How to control yourself. In general, the following tactics work perfectly: when you want to shout, put yourself in the shoes of the child. Would you like to hear such words? Also in that tone? Not? And why is your child worse?
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Children must be encouraged and punished. The child is a small, not fully formed being, he knows no boundaries, he has no clear framework, no understanding of life. All he knows is what we have invested in him. The good deeds of the child, his victories, efforts and efforts must be encouraged. And the best encouragement for a child is the recognition and praise of parents.
The more the child hears encouraging, warm words from the father and mother, the better it develops, the easier it is to learn, it becomes stronger and more confident in itself.
We praise children constantly. Girls all the time say what they are beautiful and clever. We encourage their every achievement, desire to help, the manifestation of compassion and mercy. I can say that this method already has its fruits: their hearts have absorbed so much love, tender words, warm looks, kisses and hugs, that they simply cannot but share with the world!
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How to punish a child to think - but not to injure
Previously, we often used such a common method as leaving a child alone with him. They put them in a corner, took them to another room, so that he "calmed down and thought about his behavior."
But now we stopped doing that, because the message of this action is that I need you only to be comfortable and obedient, and you will be alone until you begin to meet my requirements again. This is wrong because the basis of parenthood is acceptance. Acceptance of the child as he is, and promise to love, no matter what.
The best way of punishment, in my opinion, is deprivation of additional and pleasant bonuses. Do not let them walk, do not show a cartoon or do not give a favorite dessert ... It does not hurt the child, but will make you think next time: does he want to lose it again?
Another golden rule: keep your words. Promised to pick up the tablet, if not clean up the room? Take away. If you understand that the punishment is too harsh, soften it, but keep your word (take it not for a week, but for two days). If you do not do this, the child will quickly understand that your threats are empty words and will stop believing them.
And to avoid such situations, before you say something, promise, ban, think a hundred times. Do you need it? Is it important? Is it worth it? And to make and cancel your decisions 10 times a day is at least not serious.
Always measure the child’s deed with the power of punishment. If he broke an expensive vase, what punishment does he deserve? Serious, you say. And if you broke it by chance, wishing, for example, to help you wipe dust off it?
The most terrible thing for a baby is the discontent of his parents. The child’s actions are intended to please an adult, to love him, to take care of him. For every child, worse thoughts than to be abandoned, to remain alone, can not be. Therefore, showing displeasure, observe the measure, do not go too far.